The Trust!

She closed her eyes and let the water hit her forehead. Her breath grew heavier as felt a lump in her throat. She couldn’t move an inch. The cold water made her body numb. For a moment she didn’t feel her own body. She worked herself in the laboratory of the mind and several thoughts were bouncing off the walls of her mind. A decision has to be made. And this decision could change her life forever. She held herself tight and wished otherwise. A gentle tap on the front door brought her back to reality.

She wrapped herself in a bathrobe and stood in front of the door and took the longest breath. She gently opened the door and left speechless when she saw him. He held her nape and kissed her cheek, ‘hey babe’

He dumped the groceries on the refrigerator and grabbed her by the waist. She was gazing at his feet while he kissed the top of her head. She bit her own lip while he stared at the ceiling as his chin rested on top of her head.

“I am the luckiest guy-” He was interrupted

“I am pregnant” – she cried out loud.

His grip loosened and with that she felt insecure as their bodies separated. The eyes met, one pair longed for an approval while the other was still trying to blink!
She waited for him to speak.

“I am- , I don’t-, How-, didn’t we, did we?-, I can’t believe-, I am not sure” – words fell off his mouth

Her heart sank! She held her breath for a minute to process what his next words are going to be. I won’t be able to. . . and the train of thought was interrupted again!

“But” – he continued
He held her hands and looked into her eyes.
“I think I’ll never be ready for a responsibility like this. If you think that you are ready, I won’t stop you. It doesn’t mean I won’t be there. I want to be there and I want to see you and me raising this little muffin. If you are not ready for this, I wont stop you” – he touched the belly and gazed into her eyes.

She was unnerved. The greatest dream realized? She looked deep into his eyes and felt a twinge of guilt. She hugged him and blurted out –
‘Thank you, But -‘
“No more buts hon, we’ll see our family doc in the noon, we shouldn’t delay” – he said detaching himself from her
“Yes, but hear me out-”
“I got fruits and milk and some veggies” – he continued as he headed towards kitchen.
She bursted out laughing. He turned his head to see her laughing uncontrollably!
” Babe!!!, you ok?” – he rushed towards her.
“Yeah, Yeah, I am alright”
“What’s going on? Why are you laughing!? Tell me” – he was getting anxious.

“Yes, I am happy and I can’t tell you how much do I love you for this” – She couldn’t find the right words, as she fell silent

” I don’t understand, why are we on the floor, we should be more careful” – he lifted her up and held her by the waist while she rested her hands on his shoulders.

“I’ll get the cat out of the bag now,please don’t be mad at me. I know you’re excited about us becoming parents but honestly, I am not pregnant and I did this to test waters. I can’t be sorry enough for luring you into believing this but this is the truth. I am sorry. Now that I have your trust I want us to become parents soon” – she said while she stared at his Adam’s apple.

He signed!

“Honestly, I was immensely happy about you becoming a mother but if you ever think that you are ready, I am there for you and this prank might have made you less reliable, congratulations on that. But never plant such pranks on me. I can’t handle it. Also we need to get ourselves checked once before we try again” – he left the kitchen without waiting for a reply and grabbed the jackets and keys.

“Get dressed up, we are leaving-”
” I am pregnant” – she said and the tone became serious and she didn’t move!

“What? Are you serious? Why are you messing with me!? Please tell me. Don’t freak me out” – he was out of breath

” I am serious! And I am pregnant, had you not said you were ok with having a baby, I’d have aborted but you don’t know how happy i am right now and can’t wait to raise it with you. I am sorry I had to do this. I wanted us to be absolutely sure before inviting alot of happiness and troubles at the same time. I am not asking you to be OK with it but I’d like to know how you feel about this without which I won’t consider anything unless you are all for it. Take your own time. I am happy with you and there’s no reason we shouldn’t be raising this little muffin.” – she sounded more confident with each word.

He took a long breath and stared out of the French window. He took a long stare at the unknown.
“I have no reason to not this muffin come out of you. So it’s a Yes for me. I don’t want you to abort. We’ll manage I am sure” – he nodded.

She barely had tears in her eyes and while he walked up to her and planted a kiss on her forehead. They hugged. She felt home and he felt responsible for the first time.

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In a heartbeat

The concept of Romanticism has affected our society in every way. Everything is available with one single touch. It has made things convenient but has made things even more difficult. Everyone furiously swipes right and left to find their significant other half and the whole personality is being judged based on a few filtered pictures and a clichéd bio. It has introduced a lot of Psychological problems and hatred and even ignorance towards non-convectional love. I scroll down to see a lot of hateful comments towards a certain community and body shaming people etc. Most of the times we fail to realize that there is an actual human being sitting on the other side reading it. It takes us less than a minute to opine on anything doesn’t matter even if we don’t know anything! That is not sad but dangerous as it affects people mentally.

I was scrolling through news feed when I came across a short animated movie named ‘In a heartbeat’. I mostly refrain from watching a lot of movies. It was a short clip of about 15 seconds and I could not help watching it. It intrigued me. I immediately looked it up and it was one of the trending videos on YouTube. It was shared across most of the social networks I am a part of, over a million times overnight. I hit the play button and delved into it for a while completely oblivious to the surroundings.

If you have not watched the little clip, then little heads up. There are spoilers ahead of this post

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The protagonist is a little boy who’s in love with his classmate who happens to be a boy as well and the other boy does not have an idea about it. But it is true that the heart wants what the heart wants. He tries to control his heart (literally) but looks like the heart is out of control. He (Heart) follows him everywhere to just end up in the trash every single time. A moment comes where the heart tries to unite two boys right in the middle of the classroom where there are other kids and few of them are unable to process as to what’s going on, while few kids are giving weird looks and passing judgments on the little boy. A while later, he finds himself sitting under a tree and is heartbroken with his half heart (literally) in his hands. The other half of it is with the other little guy as it was cut into two halves when the protagonist kid tried to pull it apart.

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He is under the tree and he’s hurt as his timid eyes giving away a million emotions he’s going through. The other kid comes along and sits next to him. He puts the pieces back together. There is a half smile. It is indeed beautiful and such an innocent love that reunites them. It ended in less than 5 minutes but the message was so powerful that it stuck with me. Love is not language. It is a universal emotion and does not have to be shared between a boy and a girl. Little did the kid know about his orientation, let alone a sexual one and oblivious to how the world would perceive it.

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The movie indeed moved me and made me realize, the world does not work the way we perceive it to be. It is absolutely difficult to even comprehend what others are going through and yet how one chooses to be insensitive about it. “Be kind, for everyone that you meet is fighting a battle that you are unaware of” – This is true at so many levels and holds good for almost anyone that we meet. Isn’t that the point of life? If we expect everyone to be like us then there would no learning and no new experiences. We may not be able to understand everything, it’d be nice if we try and put some efforts into understanding. It does not matter if we do not want to but let’s not criticize and make it difficult for the other people.

Everyone goes through their fair share of problems or born with certain inherent features which may appear unnatural or questionable in the eyes of society but it doesn’t make them available for discrimination or the violence. We understand that everyone is raised differently. And our experiences are different and everyone may not be exposed to everything but when things get obscure let us try to understand it from their perspective. Cause everyone wants to be understood. For that, we need to understand before we are understood!

 

Let’s Run!?

Let’s run?

I am running I am running and I will continue to run
I will run to lose my weight or become fit but not from my problems.

The more I run the more I’ll be looking over my own shoulder
The more I run, the more weight I’ll lose!

I am running and I am still running and there is itching at the back of my mind.
The more I run, my heart’s getting more oxygen and he yells at me., ‘STOP’!

I mean run but not from your problems.
I run faster and not looking back and I am still looking over my shoulder

My legs gave up. I had to stop. My heart’s happy that I stopped.
He was beating the shit out of me. ‘Thank you’

‘Face it’ – my mind said. I won’t. I can’t face it. I want to run again and I did.
I collapsed and I can barely walk now. My body is still and I have to face it.

Life’s a bitch sometimes. It’ll teach you no matter how stubborn you are.
Who’s convincing me to run? My mind is telling me to stop and asking me to run at the same time!? Your mind is your own enemy!

I took a long breath. That’s probably the first step towards peace.
My mind is sitting on the fence and trying to convince me to stand the fuck up and run and trying to convince me to face.

My heart’s gonna stop. He said Face the problem. ‘Why do I have to face?’ and my mind is shut. If you don’t, I’ll have to regret later!

I sit back and listen to the argument and I am just a spectator. The heart won. My mind isn’t working.

I decide to face the problems. And I did. And there was nothing. There is nothing and there will never be anything. I shouldn’t have run. A weight is lifted off my shoulder and I am happy.

I want to run now. I stood up and I want to run
You’ve been brave and I allow you to run!
Run as fast as you can and don’t stop

…..

Destination Unknown!

I was wandering through the forests. The big old oak trees among many other small trees stood tall and were kissing the sky. With every step I took, I became unsure of the path I was treading. What If this leads nowhere? How will I start all over again? The fear of the unknown overshadowed my will to tread the path. I looked around for a bit trying to comprehend the nature around me. I find my answers in nature. The blooming flowers amidst the dirt, looking up with a smile and all colored up. How is it growing so beautifully?

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The river is cutting the rocks and trying to find its way to the ocean. The butterfly isn’t jealous of bird that is flying higher. The oak trees are not looking down on the small trees. The small trees do not get intimidated by them. I turned back and took a long glance.  So was it so beautiful all my way? I walked a path that I believed headed nowhere and here I am now wondering if it is going to lead somewhere. Why do I find this nature so beautiful now? Did I miss anything all this time?

 

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I looked ahead and looked back again and saw myself standing in between and realized I have come this far and do I want to go back again? Should I start again? What if the end of the path I am treading isn’t what I am looking for! Wait, what am I looking for? There could be anything at the end of this path or the other one that I chose this over with. Aren’t I fascinated by the ‘NOW’? Right now, right here? Why do I not want to miss this? The thoughts are bouncing off the walls of my mind creating chaos all over.

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I do not want to get scared of what the path has to offer, the least I could do is enjoy the view and the path will tread on its own. Maybe I/we should start loving the path and not destination. It could offer literally anything or nothing. It may be a happy ending or a sad ending. Or there might not be any ending at all. Look how far you’ve come and how far will you go! But is there an end to it that you think makes you feel that you lived? Or was it just the path? So what is it?!

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Self Realization!

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There was a chill in the air as I saw the sun setting and worldly chaos coming to end. The chaos in my mind took a front seat. I did not realize the intensity of this chaos was beyond my comprehension and I pressed my mind hard which did not care for a gentle tap on my right shoulder. I was fascinated by the sunset and the birds’ chirping as they returned to their nest. My hands were numb and I did not feel my feet as if for a while, I realized that I was not there physically. I was absorbed into nature. Gentle waterfall at a distant place filled the back of my head with music that I never paid attention to but it soothed my soul without my own realization. The grass underneath me calmed my body that I had stopped feeling a while ago. Everything around me seemed like heaven.  I paid attention to everything without paying attention to anything.

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My mind did not register the second gentle tap on my shoulder. My heart began to race as if it wanted to see light at the end of the tunnel.  I listened to every beat that was in sync with nature. It’s like I had a living nature within me that I never met or never knew that it existed. It made me feel guilty that I never knew myself up until now. Suddenly I was all into myself working my way out. How naive I was all this time. I could hear my own heartbeats. I never heard it before. There was a paradigm shift in me that was so deep that I felt myself in altogether a different dimension. The sunset anyway, the chirping of the birds was replaced by the sound of crickets that brought me back to reality. I was stunned at my own self. I sat there and wondered if I ever want to get high on Nature. It made me peaceful, sick, guilty, speechless and brought me a great deal of happiness I never knew existed…

 

Note to Self

It has been 4 months  I have not written anything in here but wrote many other things in many other places. But there are things that happen once in a while to get you on track. So that happened to me recently. As the title of the post itself suggests Note to Self, this is about a book that I had read and is written by this young author named Connor Franta

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Note To Self

 

I was immensely skeptical about buying a book of an author who is almost of my age. I am 24 by the way and I am hoping he is of the same age too. There are books that have hit home in the past and have had a great deal of impact on me, some of them did change my thought  process as well, but let’s  keep them for another day. This is one of those books I’d highly recommend. He is a successful vlogger and an amazing human being. I am following him for a while now and I discovered that he has written a couple of books based on his life. I was wondering what a 24-year-old guy can write about life without even living. That was a massive preassumption to start a book with. But I have seen quite a number of people going through emotional turmoil at a very young age and this author is no different from such people.

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The book very well establishes the fact that there are times in life when we feel lifeless, nothing is happening around. No goals, no aspirations, nothing. There are times when we feel like giving up everything and run away. On top of that if you are struggling with your sexuality that will add up to your misery. The author did struggle with his sexuality for a long time before he could accept himself and focus on better things in life. We have tons of things to concentrate on, life offers so many things, so many opportunities but yet we choose to complain about the things that we do not have.  He accepted himself in one of the videos he posted online and came out to his friends and family and other important people in his life. Not only that, but it has been an amazing journey of being vlogger and has done quite well.

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The book also contains few poems and few articles that Connor has written while struggling through these issues. These are a set of beautiful poems he has written and also pictures that depict life in altogether different perspective.

The book does not only contain the struggles associated with sexuality but also issues that are faced by teenagers like insecurity, inferiority complex, love, experimenting, imitating etc. These issues are addressed very well and have practical solutions to get over.

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One of the best parts of this book is that he spent a lot of time in solitude trying to figure out things on his own. We do need advises from time to time from credible people but knowing the right time and right people to approach for the help take one’s wisdom. The author is a keen observer of the surroundings. He takes amazing pictures and writes something related to the picture. There is a huge difference between being alone and lonely. That probably is one of the best aspects of the book were staying alone or doing things alone can be liberating and helps in discovering a number of things. Loneliness can lead to depression and other mental conditions for which one should not hesitate to ask for help.

This probably is one of the books I will consider re-reading

 

Mind 

Mind could be a destructive tool if not used properly. There is no limit to the thinking that we do on a daily basis. Some things are worth the effort and most of them are not. Yet we choose to let our minds take control of the situation. This is because we separate out the entities. The mind takes control of all decisions that we make. Mind lets us think of the things that may or may not happen. So I was looking up, why do we end up making bad decisions? Or choose to underestimate ourselves. We choose to put ourselves down without knowing the problem/situation fully.

Actions are the results of our thoughts. It is very much true. You get what you attract. You choose to think positive and choose to see positivity in every situation and so does your mind. Mind is a real fucker. It can take you up anytime and can put you down anywhere. No matter what’s going on in your life, always choose to think positive and it is often quoted ‘Train your mind to see good in everything’ and that’s how one can take control of the mind.

Things go wrong, of course, they do, But when you are stuck, observe the mind and see where it takes you. If there is negative thought, then the mind does not think twice to add a new one to the list that is making you feel useless. The list keeps going on. At some point we realize that we are relating totally irrelevant things and over thinking. Instead of pondering whether or not you’ll be able to make it out of the situation, think of all the possible ways of making it better. It can take you places if used properly!

Sometimes..!

Sometimes I feel,life is a test that I didn’t study for,

While waiting for the waves hitting the standing me on the shore.

Sometimes I feel, life has lost it’s meaning,

But here I am still looking for the future and  wondering

Sometimes,I wait for the life to win,

Trying desperately to hold up my chin

Sometimes, I work my own way up the ladder,

But I always end up coming in life’s radar.

Sometimes, I want to stop the hustle and disappear,

But life’s charm puts me in the forward gear.

Sometimes, there will be times that’ll put you down, think of it as a plot twist,

But don’t you ever frown ,just keep going without the rest!

When I look at you 


When I look at you, I see my own reflection in you. Sometimes I wonder if I am dreaming. It floods my mind with nostalgia, chaos, happiness and several other emotions that I am unable to comprehend. It fills my heart with completeness. 

When I look at you, I worry a little and make more out of that moment. I live in present. You make me live in present. The events of the past and happenings of the future disappear leaving being no pool of guilty feelings. 

When I look at you, and then I look at myself. I am being the best version of myself now. Something I would love to be all the time. It is difficult. But you are there, you see my best version.

When I look at you, my mind goes blue. desperately trying to make the best of itself in front of you. The mind can’t deceive itself. It indeed deceivs me into believing in future ahead.

When I look at you, I appreciate how lucky I am to have met you and be with you.  I am sweapt off my own feet! I wait for it. I am excited and scared at the same at the thought of being with you.

Think it through!

You can not convince everyone. You can not let anyone think like the way you want them to. We all are raised in a certain way. Our behavior is based on certain experiences and the perspectives that we have gained over the years. 

There will be people along your way in life who will try to bring you down. There are people who judge you based on how you look, what you wear, how you walk, how you talk and every fucking thing in your life.

The fact that needs to understood in this context is that it’s your life, and it’s totally your choice how you want to live it. Nobody gets to tell you what you should be doing or not doing. Don’t let anyone take control of the choices you make.

People seldom understand other’s perspectives because they think that it’s not valid or not in sync with trend. There are people who even go out of their own way and advise others on how to live their damn life. You can take the advises and apply to your life as long as you think it is suitable for you to do so.

We all have established the fact that nobody’s perfect. And sure, everybody’s unique in their own way. It’s important to look within ourselves before we advise others. There are times, when we seek advises from other people. It’s recommended. But at the end of the day, you will have to choose what’s best for you in the long run.

Our decisions are the results of the thought process and we have a belief based thinking rather than a reality based thinking. Our thoughts mostly come from our beliefs. And those beliefs are not ours. They are society induced and can be highly destructive if not thought out properly! 

We know what’s best for ourselves.Let’s stick to that. At least we won’t have anyone else to blame for, if things do not go our way. And the you won’t feel the twinge of guilt if you really listen to yourself and act accordingly